Sunday, January 24, 2010

someone else's anger

Yesterday was horrible.

I was looking forward to it at first. My parents had 4 free tickets to a Cirque show at Rama. I love cirque shows. Everyone in them is so lovely and graceful and the costumes are always amazing. So they gave the second pair to me and him, and we all went up to Rama together. But even before we'd left the city, I knew it wasn't going to go the way I wanted it to. I knew he wasn't so into cirque shows, that he only agreed to come because he knows I like them. But then the day of the show crept up on us and he didn't really want to go anymore and it was too late to back out. And Rama is far away, so it was a big trip out there and back again for something he didn't really want to do in the first place. So I felt horrible for asking him to come with me before we were even there yet, and I got more and more nervous just sitting in the car and wishing I'd never asked to go in the first place.

We went to dinner before the show. Buffet, of course. I managed to avoid anything fried or with breading on it, but I still ate far, far too much. Then we went to the show. Which wasn't quite as good as I'd expected it to be, but then again, that might have been just because I was so worried about him being angry at me that I couldn't really let myself relax and enjoy it. Then after the show my parents insisted we couldn't leave right away, that it would be a traffic jam trying to get out of the parking lot for at least half an hour, so we might as well stay there and gamble a bit. I hate gambling, ever since I watched my Dad lose $450 in the span of 15 minutes one night, so he and I just walked around the casino for awhile, him getting more angry and quiet and me getting more anxious. By the time we finally got back to the car to go home, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry.

We got back to Toronto just before 1 a.m. He wanted to go home, so I drove him, since it's faster than him taking the subway and I felt like I owed him for asking him to go to the show with me. I knew he was still angry, and he knew I knew that and it was making me anxious, and so that probably made him feel worse, and then I felt guilty for not being able to keep a poker face on my anxiety. And by the time I got home, it was too late to purge.

That was a total fail of a day in every sense that matters. Not only am I a pig of a human being, I can't keep the people that matter to me happy.

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