Friday, August 6, 2010

sometimes a breakdown is a good thing

I think I may have had something of a breakdown. A breakdown, and then an epiphany, or maybe it was both at the same time.

A little over a month ago, dad and I fought. He's so good at making me feel so worthless. I'd been looking forward to a long weekend, to relaxing and enjoying it. I'd had a good streak of taking care of myself, of dealing with my emotions without cutting or starving or purging. I thought I was making progress.

It wasn't the first fight we've had, and it wasn't even the worst fight we've had, but it was bad enough to trigger a panic attack. I tried to ride it out, just let it run its course without doing anything self-destructive, but I couldn't. I fell back to old habits, and I fell hard. By night, I still felt so panicked that I locked myself in my bathroom and slept on the rug.

The next morning, I tried to think of what I could do or say to make dad understand how his anger affects me. But I couldn't think of anything I could do or say that would make a difference. I've tried talking to him before, and it just doesn't work.

And I realized something, maybe for the first time. It didn't matter how much therapy I had, how much time I devoted to learning better coping mechanisms, how hard I worked on becoming assertive and rebuilding my confidence. If I stayed in that house, he would destroy me.

So I left.

And it's indescribably wonderful, to be out of that situation.

And I've gone 34 days now without throwing up.

2 comments:

  1. This is amazing. Fantastic. Doing what you know will save you is the best thing you could've done. And 34 days without purging is so incredibly amazing. you should be proud of yourself.

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  2. Thirty-four days is pretty awesome!

    ReplyDelete