Friday, March 11, 2011

things i don't say out loud

Early morning Tuesday. Well, fairly early morning. Walking with a lab mate, from yoga class to get coffee. Peaceful.Then...

The girl walking with me says "I hate the world."

"No you don't," I reply. "You just said you want to get an extra-large coffee. So you don't hate coffee. And the world has coffee, so you don't hate the world."

"No, but I hate the rest of the world."

We pass a car. An SUV actually. Not all that glamorous, and much more than a single student needs for transportation.

"I want this car. It's so nice. Why don't I have a car? It's not fair."

"Well, if you don't have a car, you also don't have car insurance, or car repair bills, and you don't have to pay for gas."

"Yeah that's true. But I want a car."

We pass another car.

"Or this one. It's not fair. I hate everything in the world. I want a car."

At this point, she reminds me of a spoiled two-year-old, whining for a new toy, instead of a 20-something researcher. It's hard for me to keep from rolling my eyes.

"Well, if you want a car, plan for it and you'll get one some day. Probably one prettier than those."

"Yeah I guess."

"I'm not used to being the positive one in our conversations."

And she more or less stopped whining then. Thankfully. She'd already spoiled my after-yoga peacefulness.

I'm not good at realizing when I'm feeling emotions - I usually bury them without even realizing I'm doing it - so it took me awhile, but this actually made me really, really angry. It's not the first time she's gone all melodramatic over something I view as pretty trivial.

Like whining about her lack of a hair tie (for 10 minutes) while I'm on my way to see my Mom in the hospital.

Okay, fine, you don't have a hair tie (at the moment) and you don't own a car (at the moment).

Big fucking deal. You can fix those problems.

It doesn't matter how badly I want it, or what I do, I can't fix Mom. Ever. I have a car, sure, but I use it to drive her to the hospital.

And you don't give me any sympathy whatsoever when I'm upset about things that are harder to fix than your problems. I try talking about how stressful it's been, having a Mom I love to death and who's been seriously ill since I was seven years old. Most of my life. Most of her life. And all you said was "Oh well, life's not fair, you know."

Yes, actually, I do fucking know.

You want a car? I'll give you mine. Just give me your kidneys and lungs so I can give them to Mom.

Seriously, grow up. Even I don't hate the world, and I've got more reason to than you.

1 comment:

  1. I understand how you feel. Sometimes I hear my friends complaining about their moms. I think how lucky they are that their mothers are still with them. Moms aren't appreciated until they are sick or gone. Thanks for your comment. It made me feel better on a bittersweet day.