comfortably uncomfortable

March was not such a good month...here's hoping April will be kinder.

I did get my letter, on the very last day of March. It said what I'd hoped, but didn't dare believe, it would say.

I'm incredibly relieved.

But getting this letter, incredibly good for me as it may be, also reinforces some not-so-good thought habits.

Like feeling absolutely worthless whenever I haven't recently achieved something grand. Like equating self-worth with objectively determined accomplishments.

But maybe thinking that way just works for me. And I don't know how else to think. No matter what I accomplish, I never feel satisfied with myself for long. I constantly need to do something else to prove my worth, despite the fact that people around me tell me I'm good as I am, that I've already accomplished a lot. On a logical level, I know they're right. But deep down I never feel sure of myself, never quite feel comfortable in my own skin.

I don't know how to change that.

I'm not sure if I want to change that.

At the heart of it, I'm afraid of changing it, afraid of how it would change me if I were to actually feel comfortable or safe or secure.