Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"you're looking for stability"

I'd just finished crying - in the lab - I hate crying when there are people around, but I couldn't stop it. Luckily my desk is in somewhat of a corner, so not everyone can see me.

Someone who could see me told me about a yoga class she was going to start taking. She said it was because she felt like she was an angry person and she needed to calm down. "You should try it too." I said no, I was still trying to sort my schedule out, still trying to balance research with therapy and thinking and relaxing, and I didn't think I'd have time.

Then ten minutes passed and I felt like crying again.

So I signed up for yoga.

And the first class was yesterday - 8:00 in the morning, bright and early. Well not so bright, it being winter and cold and gray. And I am not a morning person, but I'm trying to be, as part of my get-my-life-back-together plan. But I did, somehow, manage to wake up at 6:30 and make it to yoga for 8:00.

I've never taken an actual yoga class before. I've gone to a couple drop-in workshop type things, but this was the first time I was with an instructor who really focused on linking the movements with breathing. It made me realize how messed up my breathing is. It doesn't have a set pace or rhythm. It speeds up and slows down and I actually seem to have a tendency to hold it for long periods without realizing it. I think that probably reflects on how stressed out I am, but it's something I can work on now that I'm aware of it.

We were going through some basic movements, and something the instructor said really struck me. "You're looking for stability. In this pose, in any pose, yoga is about stability." It just sort of resonated; it seems like good advice for life too. Anywhere you are in life, look for stability.

Mom is still in the hospital. The doctors found and repaired a tear in her stomach, and we were all so incredibly happy momentarily - because we thought that was the end of the internal bleeding problems. But she's still losing blood so there's more - maybe more tears, maybe something else - and so it's not over yet. I'm visiting her every day, and bringing my laptop so we can watch movies and pass the time. She's lost a lot of weight lately, which frightens me, because she hasn't been trying to, and it's not good to lose that much weight if you're not trying to. But it means we both fit easily in her hospital bed, so we both lay against the raised part of the bed, with our heads against the same pillow, and watched movies. It would have been cozy if it wasn't such a depressing setting.

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