i can't say it

Sometimes my boyfriend says "and..." and then pauses. It means he's trying to get me to repeat what he's going to say, one word at a time. One word at a time, because it's usually something I need to hear, especially from myself, but don't want to say, and so he waits patiently as I fight against each word before I'll say it.

Last night, as I was talking about something I was working on, he said, "and..." And he waited.

It was my turn. "and" "it's..." "it's" "okay..." "okay" "if..." "if" "it's..." "it's" "not..." "I'm not going to say it. I can't say that. I can't."

"It's okay if it's not perfect."

"No, I can't say that. I can't."

"It's okay if it's not perfect....because..." "because" "you're..." "you're" "already..." "already" "great." "great."

"There, see, that wasn't so hard, was it?" "No, because it's true, you are great."

"No, that's not what I meant....let's try this again...because..." "because..." "I..." "...I" "am..." "...am" "already..." "...already" "great..." "...great."

"Easier said than done, thinking that." "Well, you didn't even say the whole thing, not really, so that must mean it's really hard to do."

I don't think he really realized just how much I needed to hear that, even if I couldn't say it myself.