Tuesday, March 23, 2010

waiting on the verge of panic

I've been away for awhile, up and down, up and down.

I'm waiting for a letter in the mail, one that may or may not come. I've been waiting for 23 days and it's wearing me down.

It's a letter, but it's more. Reassurance that I can still do something right, reassurance that other people believe in my abilities even if I don't.

And still more. The freedom to leave home whenever I feel like I can't live there anymore. The freedom to start a new life away from the past, a life where I can work on fixing myself without the constant daily reminders of why I'm broken to begin with.

But the letter hasn't come yet, may not come ever, and the longer it takes, the easier it is to believe that I have failed.


  1. I'm not sure what this letter is.
    But it will come.
    It will come and you will be amazing.
    And even if it doesnt come, here you'll be, amazing as always.
    Dear, you can be assured that you can do things right. I promise. You may not believe me, but you should.

    Regardless of whether the letter comes or not, you are lovely dear. Believe in yourself!

    Love, Andy

  2. No matter what the letter says, it's very possibly more agonizing to wait for the letter than it will be to read it - no matter what it says.

    Remember though, J, that you are not defined by what the letter says. So much of decisions that other people make about you (like acceptance/rejection letters) are SUCH a crapshoot. Truly. No matter what the says, you have STRENGTHS and TALENT and you are UNIQUELY GREAT.