jealous of normal

I had an appointment with a dermatologist this morning. It's a routine, once-a-year thing. Mom's side of the family has horrible luck with various types of cancer, so once a year, I get checked over for any signs of cancer - including skin cancer. No bad signs this morning. In fact, he commented on how "great" my skin was, "even colouring, pale, no sun damage." I've given up on tanning once I realized how much cancer runs in family; just seems like a good idea not to tempt fate.

He also noticed the red spots on my face, from the last electrolysis treatment, so we talked about that briefly. He asked if I'd had my blood tested to see if there was a reason for the hair growth, so I told him I was diagnosed with PCOS in November. He was surprised at that - "Well," he said, vaguely gesturing towards my stomach "it's just that you don't fit the usual PCOS case." Meaning that I'm not obese or particularly overweight.

That's the third doctor to have that reaction now. It makes me want to laugh. I have no idea what my natural body shape should be; I haven't eaten normally in years. Take a syndrome that causes weight gain, add an eating disorder, mix it up in the same person, and what do you get? Someone with a body in between. Someone like me.

Speaking of eating disorders...

I've had nothing to eat but cauliflower and carrots today. I'm afraid of eating, because it always seems to end with me throwing up. Sometimes, I think the only way to stop throwing up every day is to stop eating, and this is one of those times. It's simple; nothing in, nothing out. Of all my not-so-healthy tendencies, I hate throwing up most of all. It's the most pointless, self-destructive, embarrassing thing I do. And even knowing that, I can't seem to stop it.

There was once a time when I went years without throwing up, without even having to think about it. Most people live like that. Every day I go without throwing up is a constant fight. I have to plan out my day to avoid triggers, I have to eat certain things, I have to be active, I have to constantly remind myself that I am trying to break this cycle. It's exhausting, and more often than not, I lose the battle at the end of the day anyway. Then I look at the people around me, and I realize that they're doing exactly what I want to be doing - going days without throwing up - with no effort at all. It's frustrating. That's just normal for them, and I'm jealous. I wish it were normal for me too.